New Fiction: I Found Out How and When I’m Going to Die via Tinder by Doug Koziol
Everyone remembers their first Tinder match. It’s a glowing evocation that someone out there in the vast universe (or at least in a <100 mi. radius) has seen carefully curated photos of you and deemed you worthy of their attraction. Or maybe they just accidentally swiped right; who knows.
Well, my first was:
Hellen, 99, 22 miles away, active 25,000 years ago.
Her sole picture: She sits cross-legged in a flowing black dress with blue stripes running diagonally down it, and a white, spider-like broach stretches across her chest. Her hair is red, twirling, and falls about midway down her back. Her pupils are black with glints of yellow at the bottom, like crescent moons sinking in the night sky. Her nose is straight and slight, and her lips perfectly match the color of her hair. An intricate, white necklace (appearing to be of the same material as the broach) rests above her pronounced clavicle. She is in the process of weaving red yarn into a web-like pattern.
Her About: ‘master architect of metaphysical materials-enlightened navigator of the infinite hall of mirrors-scribe of the venus tablet of ammisaduqa’
Shared Interests (1): Texas hold ‘em
She messaged first:
Hellen: whats ur sign
Me: I thought people only asked that in movies ha. Mine’s Leo. What’s yours?
H: i witnessed the nemean lion wrestled to its death & skinned with own claws
M: I’m afraid I’m not too well-versed in astrology, so I’m not entirely sure what that means ha.
H: ur ignorance betrays u in other realms 2
M: True, I don’t know much about hockey either.
H: the ruling planet jupiter clouds u this is grave matter
M: Oh, I’m sorry I’m not taking this more seriously. What’s the situation?
H: ive foreseen ur death
M: Oh, really? Care to share how I’m going to bite the dust?
H: u dont take me seriously st augustine lives in u ill obliterate ur skepticism ask me anything
M: Sure. What was the first R-rated movie I ever saw?
H: roland emmerichs the patriot
M: Holy shit. That’s a lucky guess. Let me actually try and stump you.
M: When I was seven, I buried something in my backyard to dig up later when I was grown up. What was it?
H: spiderman action figure & a quarter
M: Do I know you? Is this Jake? Did you make a fake profile to mess with me?
H: u will die on jan 20 i cant say the year but u will die when ur airplane crashes in2 the ocean u will survive impact but drown
M: I didn’t ask you to tell me! What the hell?!
H: i had no choice
M: You’re full of shit. Even if it were true, I’d just never go on an airplane for the rest of my life, then you’d be wrong, so who cares.
H: u have no choice
M: You’re a lunatic. This is what you use Tinder for?!
Now, I’ll have to live in fear of the third week in January and avoid air travel for the rest of my life. But the week after that mortifying conversation, I was matched with a woman who loved SCTV and leased a jet ski. So, overall, I’d give the app: 3.5/5 stars.Read it:http://theneweryork.com/i-found-out-how-and-when-im-going-to-die-via-tinder-doug-koziol/
Hey, I wrote this.